The problem with me is that I fall way too fast. I imagine relationships before they’re even given a chance to start.

The boy: 17, glasses, hair as blonde as it could be. He walks in a way which draws many comparisons to a caveman. Most people don’t see it, but he carries a certain sadness with him, it’s not that he is afraid to show it to you, it’s just that no one ever asks. He is used to being alone. If his appearance doesn’t drive people away, his words certainly do.
Except for the girl: also 17, average-looking, curly hair. You can tell she isn’t 100% comfortable with herself, but still, she’s used to being surrounded by friends. She doesn’t usually show it, but she wants to be more than who she is. She’s the one who dares to believe in him.
If someone had told her 4 months ago she would be tangled in a mess with this boy, a mess she wouldn’t really want to get out of, she would have told them they were insane, she couldn’t stand the boy. If someone had told him, he would have been delighted.
And now here they are. And they are tangled together in quite the mess. They are both positive there is no going back. His words have convinced her that she loves him. She has convinced herself they are not right for each other. He has always believed they are. They’re stuck in time; there is no going forward, and going back seems an impossible feat.
They are not aware that when they see each other a few months from now they will avoid eye contact, neither one wanting to return to the pain. He will feel betrayed, abandoned, forgotten. She will feel guilty, sorry, even angry. They aren’t aware, because right now, they are living in the moment, alternately loving and hating being together, afraid of the future, but choosing to ignore it.

And it’s sad, but if you saw me now, I don’t think you would know who I am.

Dear friends,
You should know that it really does hurt. I may laugh. I may pretend that I don’t care. But you should know that I do.
You should know that it makes me feel really insecure. As a girl, I’m already self-conscious about myself. Having my friends constantly tearing me apart- even if I do know they’re joking- it really makes me question everything I do. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m just a joke to you.
You should know that I love you guys, but I don’t think I can keep going like this. I’m sick of feeling this way. I want to feel good about myself again.
You should know that next time I tell you what you’re saying hurts, you should know that I am serious.

Sincerely,
A girl who’s dangerously close to hating herself. 

Just because I said “I won’t stay mad for long,”
doesn’t make it all okay.

Yesterday was 5 years. I didn’t even remember yesterday. I only realized now. No wonder it was such a bad day.

She wears her smile like a shield. It hides her
fears and the tears already forming
in her eyes. They don’t know her story, never
even crossed their minds that the laughing girl
in front of them is only holding it
together until she reaches the safety
of her own room. Alone, she will open
that drawer, and reach all the way to the back,
to the one thing she had told herself she
no longer needed. But now, in this one
moment of vulnerability, now
she is not that strong. She shakes as she writes.
Their words invading her body. Her shield
is no longer in place. She lets the tears
fall, here in this place where no one can see.
Still, she continues to write it all.
Their words will remain on her arms long
after they forget they ever said them.
Only she will remember that she
is ugly, a whore, alone. She will not
forget, because the blade in her hand has
written it down. She has made it permanent.
It is forever. It is her secret. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself

other people are not always my problem.

It is not my responsibility

to fix anyone else.

If my friends would tell me the truth. Yeah. That’d be nice.

My friend told me to write you a love poem.
I’m not sure I know how.
I can write an angry poem, a hurt poem, a sad poem.
But a love poem? I just don’t know.
I do know that no one else in the world
can make me smile the way you do.
Just the right notes, the right look, the right words
from you can bring me to tears.
But don’t worry- they’re the good kind.
I do know I’ve never wanted anyone
the way I want you.
Your hair, your lips, your eyes… Your everything.
To me, you are pure perfection.
There is not a thing about you
that could be improved upon.
I do know I can’t imagine having more fun with anyone
than I imagine I would have with you.
I do know that the life I dream of with you
is better than any life possible.
But I also know that you haven’t had the opportunity
to hurt me. Is that why you make me smile?
Because there has been no chance for pain?
I am aware that your perfection is manufactured.
You need no improvements because I only see you
after they have already been made.
I realize I have never seen your laid back side.
You must have one. Right?
Is that why I think you’re so fun,
I’m not allowed to see you upset?
It saddens me to know the life I dream of with you
is only that- a dream.
So there you have it.
I told you so.
I don’t know how to write a love poem.